


Me Too

by ashes_and_ashes



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-14 02:18:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17499731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashes_and_ashes/pseuds/ashes_and_ashes
Summary: ”10 galleons says Pads is in there,” James murmurs, his voice low as he fiddled with the lock on the door.“It’s a sleazy, sketchy bar,” Remus hisses. “What do you expect? Of course he’s in here, seeing as he got kicked out of the other eight.”





	Me Too

Even from outside, they can hear the commotion.

It was some seedy little bar, tucked into one of the back alleys in Hogsmede. There was no display, nothing but a flimsy metal door barring the way, as James and Remus approach.

They’re hooded, dark shadows hiding their faces, as Remus glances nervously around the alley. It was almost 2 in the morning, the air reeking of alcohol and smoke, light filtering in from the crack under the door.

”10 galleons says Pads is in there,” James murmurs, his voice low as he fiddled with the lock on the door.

“It’s a sleazy, sketchy bar,” Remus hisses. “What do you expect? Of course he’s in here, seeing as he got kicked out of the other eight.”

He didn’t know what was happening with Sirius. Every night he was gone, slipping out to dark bars and clubs, coming back smelling of weed and firewhisky and God knows what else, red eyes and pale skin.

He tried not to care. He really tried. It was over between them, had been over for a long time, destroyed when Sirius had brought Severus into those tunnels under a full moon. You are selfish, he had screamed, heartbroken and bitter and so, so angry, the type of screaming when you lost something so precious. You are a selfish, arrogant prick, who doesn’t give a shit about what we were together!

Sirius had looked up at him, with those forlorn, hopeless eyes, and whispered, I’m so, so sorry, Re.

The nickname had burned, slicing him up inside, and Remus didn’t even bother to raise his voice as he said, We’re done. It’s over.

But he still noticed the cuts on Sirius’ face, the stiffness at which he moved. He didn’t know what was happening, but Remus couldn’t let him suffer.

So they casted a tracking spell on him, following the trail every night, Peter covering for them back in the castle. They followed him, because no matter how heartbroken Remus was, he still loved him, deep down.

The lock gives away under James’ wand, the door opening with a grating sound as James pushes it open. He gives a mock bow, sounds of fighting and laughing echoing from down below. “After you, darling.”

Remus flips him off, an overwhelming stench of pot filling his nose as he walks down the stairs. The carpet is sticky, pulling at his shoes, and James winces. “God, this place is a dump. We should take Marlene.”

”Perfect for Sirius, then,” Remus says, pushing past several beaded curtains, entering the bar.It’s dirty, concrete floors and open drains, wooden tables scratched and stained. The air is thick, sweat and smoke and alcohol, strobe lights flashing as a a flickering sign advertised 1 glass for every 3 bought - FREE.

Remus winces, James a comforting presence at his side. For a moment, he reaches out, seeking another set of fingers, before he snatches his hand back. He makes no attempt to disguise the movement, just pushes his way deeper into the throng.

There’s some fight going down in the center, men laughing on the outside, as Remus shoulders his way through, two men punching and kicking each other as the crowd cheers. He pushes past two drunk men, almost shoving them into the pit, as there is a collective roar. He looks down, one of the men having bashed the other unconscious, and Remus swears.

He’s about to turn away when the winner looks up, his face full of triumph.

It’s Sirius, dark hair knotted into a messy bun. His lip is split, blood trickling down his chin as gives a mocking salute. He spits, the sawdust red as he stalks out of the pit, snatching up a bag of gold and heading over to the bar.

It’s as if the breath has been knocked out of Remus. He curses, turning around, heading over to the bar where Sirius is sipping from a bottle. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Sirius glances up, his eyes hooded. “Why, hello Remus. Come to bother me?”

He was very clearly drunk, his eyes bright and cheeks flushed. There was something beautiful about him, though, when all the ice and marble was gone, when the walls were taken down. He could see the emotion simmering through Sirius’ eyes, the anger and the loathing and the pain, the desperation that could only be numbed by spirits. “Stop, Sirius. You’re going to kill yourself.”

Sirius just laughs, the sound deep and rich as he retorts, “I’m already dead.”

With a lazy movement, he stands, chucking the empty bottle against the wall. It shatters, a shard slicing into Sirius’ hand, but he just shrugs as he stretches. “You should go back, Re. You hate places like this.”

He makes his choice in a second. When Sirius turns his back, Remus points his wand at him. “Stupefy!” The jey hits Sirius straight in the back, Sirius pitching forwards as the spell knocks him out. He grabs Sirius’ hand, meeting James’ eyes from across the room, before apperating away with a bang.

~

They land in the Shrieking Shack, the first place that came to Remus’ mind. Sirius groans, pushing himself off the ground, his lip bleeding over his chin. “What the hell, mate. Mother hen much?”

”Shut up.” Remus stalks to the window, yanking the dusty blinds closed before pointing his wand at the hearth. “Incendio.” Flames shoot up, illuminating the room, the growing puddle of blood under Sirius. He scowls, rummaging inside an old cupboard, tossing a towel at him. Pomfrey used to give him some potions, to help with the pain of transforming, and he grabs a small green bottle before dropping in front of Sirius. “Drink this.”

Sirius raises an eyebrow. “Is it poison?”Remus glares at him. “Pain killer. Either drink it or don’t. I don’t really fucking care.”

Sober Sirius would have nodded, drunk the medicine, quiet and remorseful, that icy wall between them. Drunk Sirius just smirks. “Bullshit. You care. That’s why you came to save me.” He swigs, swallowing the potion, before smiling. “Not that I needed it.”

Remus ignores him, vanishing the puddle of blood underneath him. He’s about to go when Sirius calls out. “Wait.”

”Wait for what, Pads?” Remus whirls around, gripping his wand. Anger flares in his chest, making everything go red for a moment. “Wait for you to apologize again? To say sorry? For betraying my secret?”

Sirius just shrugs. “You called me Pads.”

“Fuck. Off.”

He turns away, about to leave when Sirius speaks. “You’re right, you know.” He’s leaning against the wall, legs stretched out in front of him, shirt half opened and sleeves rolled up. His hair was a tangle, dark against his scars, eyes closed as he laughs.

“What did I expect? That we were going to last?” He laughs again, twirling his fingers. “It’s funny. I’m a Black. I’m a prince of evil, a master of the dark arts. I’m beaten and tortured and hurt, but I suppose I’m lucky, because I’m royalty.”

”We should get you drunk more often,” Remus mutters, rubbing his hands through his hair. “Maybe you’ll spew enough bullshit to get you through Divination.”

Sirius shrugs, stretching out in front of him. “It’s like…that quote. From Paradise Lost? ‘Abashed the devil stood / And felt how awful goodness is.’” He laughs. “Guess I’m the devil. Fallen and evil.”

“You’re not evil, Pads.” Remus’ voice is thin, fraying as he sighs. “It’s…complicated.”

“Evil?” Sirius scoffs. “I never told you, why I waited so long to run. My mother used to get drunk, you know, drunk on god knows what. She’d come home, reeking of alcohol and she would want to hurt something.” He shrugs. “It always was be. Better me then Reg, anyways. Who’s covering him now?”

Remus shakes his head. “Sirius, stop. There’s nothing you can do about it. You were getting hurt.”

“I should have stayed,” Sirius breathes. “I should have stayed.” He looks up. “For what it’s worth, Re. I’m so sorry.”

It’s as if a fire was lit under Remus’ skin. Everything burned, his shoulder where Sirius leans against it, his eyes where they stares into nothingness, his legs where they are pressed right against Sirius’. The words are quiet, barely whispers. “Do you still love me?”

Sirius glances up, his expression shocked. “You wouldn’t believe me. I’m drunk.”

Remus stares into his eyes, the dark grey that he’s looked into so many times before. “Do you?”

There’s a silence, thin and fraying, the only sound their mingled breathing. “Do I love you, Re?” He laughs. “God. You’re the first thing I think of, when I wake up, the last thing when I sleep. When I think of my happiest moments, you’re always there, and you’re there in my saddest moments, because you were always with me. My heart still stops whenever I see you, even after all this time, and every time we touch, it’s like someone’s lit fireworks under my skin. And I know. I know I’m not good enough, that I will never be good enough. You deserve so much more, Re. You deserve the world.” He smiles, the sort of desperate smile that one makes when saying goodbye. “But do I still love you? Always. I’ve never really had a choice.”

Remus stands, the words burning. He walks over to the door, the hallway opening in front, ready to walk always from Sirius like he’s always done.

He glances back, Sirius a spill of dark ink against the white wall. There’s something inside of him, where it had all been dark, as Remus says, “Pads?”

He meets Sirius’ eyes, the dark grey, the same eyes that had carried him through transformations and exams and kissing and life, because he still loved Sirius, still loved him so damn much, despite how he tried to hide it.

He smiles. “Me too.”


End file.
